Wednesday, January 11, 2017

Cancer #23 - A Reality Check

September 29, 2012

So, on September 11th, I met with the Rockstar. She asked how I was doing and I assured her that I was feeling great. And she called me, (get ready for it...) "Pollyanna"...which I thought was a bit unfair.  I mean, no, I don't sit and pout (most of the time) because I have cancer, and I don't wallow in self pity about what is, or was, or could have been.  Instead, I am grateful that at this time, the crappy chemo is gone, along with the crappy chemo side effects. I've finished my radiation. I have *most* of my energy back. My fingers and toes are *mostly* not numb anymore. I am pretty much back to my normal schedule in terms of my schedule, I can get my daughters up for school, dressed, fed, and out the door, AND I am able to volunteer in their classes three times a week. I cook dinner most nights. And so, I am pretty darn grateful at this point in my life.. so, when I'm asked, I say, I FEEL great! Because I do.  
I am not 100% back to my old energy level, probably because of the extra 25 pounds I'm carrying.  But, I digress...

She said I was doing great and she'd see me again in December.  I asked her about my survivor care plan...I explained about my military (read: transient) lifestyle and the great possibility that we would be relocated next summer and she said, by all means, "Get on with my life".  Which made me really happy.  I have been SO ready to get on with my life, but it also made me a bit nervous because I was also hoping she'd give me some kind of "cancer free card." She pretty much said, that that doesn't exist.  There is no way to tell if, where or when I my cancer will or will not recur.  She just said I need to be diligent about paying attention to my body, seeing a doctor for check ups regularly and staying healthy.  And Live.  She said, to focus on things I can control...cancer is not one of those things.

So, I left her office and went to get my Herceptin and pondered life beyond treatment...moving ON!

I was seated next to a woman who was on her very last infusion of Herceptin! She was by herself and she and I got to chat a bit.  She shared how thankful she is that God blessed her with insurance when she didn't have any previously.  And I congratulated her on finishing her treatment and wished her luck as she got to "move on".  

I imagined my very last infusion, which, if all goes well, will be in March 2013 and what I was going to do to celebrate.

I'd had my mind all set that I was giving cancer ONE year and then I was going to be DONE, DONE, DONE...

But then I got a call from the Plastic Surgeons office two days later to ask if I wanted to cancel my appointment because, "the doctor doesn't schedule reconstructions until a year post radiation"...I said, NO WAY, I am not rescheduling, I wanna see this Dr...and when he sees me, he will marvel at how WELL I have healed and will schedule the surgery in March...right after I finish the Herceptin...

Oh, how naive I can be when I so badly want to believe something...I did get to meet the very talented Dr. Tan, and he IS a rockstar.  He is also a realist and he explained that there is no surgeon in his right mind who would operate on radiated muscle,skin, tissue within a year.  And then he said, I needed to loose all this weight I'd gained during chemo, and that he'd see me in MAY 2013 for my consult and he'd do surgery (granted Uncle Sam lets us stay in the area) in August 2013. 

Well, I was glad for the wake up call.  I was glad to be yanked back into reality...No, cancer was not going to be over completely in one year.  In fact, I will JUST be getting done with my chemos, in March, which will be One year and 3 months post when I started the chemos in January 2012...and he also said, the surgery wouldn't even been complete for a year...he'd do it in August, and then I'd go back every 3 months over 12 months for "adjustments." So, I'd be put back together again, a la Humpty Dumpty, around August 2014... And lets not forget that I have to take Tamoxifen for 5 years...

So, really, maybe 5 years from now...in...2016, I can be DONE...and that's granted there is no recurrence anywhere else.  Additionally, I will have to see a Dr. 3-4 times a year for check ups for the next 3 years and well...for the rest of my life, I'll be looking over my shoulder...

Kinda sucks.  Particularly, when I was sooo wanting to MOVE ON. :-) and be done already...

I am sure I will come to some kind of pass where I am at peace with the trajectory of my life...but it hasn't happened yet.  In the meanwhile...I am on mission, LOOSE THE CHEMO WEIGHT.  And, GO!

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